Don’t Concern Yourself With That Book

I spotted the bird disappearing into the distance. I was told that it would not be seen by other templars because it had been specially veiled by divinity.

My eyes hurt watching the bird getting further away. I recalled the man who reminded me of the azure blue sky.

Just then, I was struck with a throbbing headache.

“Hmph!”

I couldn’t breathe. I could feel my tilting body being supported by someone.

“Princess!”

Their sounds drifted away. It was as though I had fallen into water while my vision dimmed and light escaped my surroundings. The pain I was now experiencing was unlike what I had before.

“In any case, you seem to be suffering a lot from ‘awakening pains’. The stronger your powers, the more intense those pains would be and the more torturous your nightmares become.”

Why were Pontus’ words ringing in my ears right now?

“Do you know why your awakening has been delayed? You clearly have the powers of a god but you have yet to awaken them. Even though this was supposed to happen before you reach adulthood… The Power of the Lord and the Power of Death. It is because you have both these powers.”

My arms pointed weakly towards the ground. Light flickered in my dimming vision. The diary was emitting a brilliant beam of light.

“… She is… awakening…!”

“Contain… it…!”

The voices around me, including that of Soricks, Meta and others, were sounding further away from me. While Pontus’ got closer. As if he was making sure I wouldn’t forget.

“The powers of different gods each have different conditions for awakening. You’re an unprecedented heir of two gods which is why you are taking twice as long to fulfil the conditions required for both gods. But I can feel that your awakening is not too long off.”

I could feel something pulling on my memories.

“The conditions you’ve currently yet to fulfil are that of the ‘Power of Death’.”

“The Power of Death?”

“Yes. But those conditions will also be achieved soon.”

As he talked about the conditions I had yet to fulfil that day, Pontus had lowered his gaze. Discomfort could be then seen cracking his hardened expression for a moment. Abel turned away from me with an even more agitated expression. Now, I understood what their reactions signified.

–The Power of the Lord; The condition for its awakening was to suffer through death.

My countless deaths flashed across my eyes. Amidst the frames containing each of my deaths, a woman raised her head. She looked like me but without a scar on her cheek. It was the diary.

–The Power of Death; The condition for its awakening is loss, the loss of a loved one.

“Why?”

–Because you will only know the weight of death after losing someone to it. But you took too long for that, Ashley.

The diary slowly approached me.

–You had gone through your deaths before you could begin to understand loss.

Her hair shrunk in length before darkening in colour. Before I could fully comprehend it, the diary was now smiling at me in the form of ‘Ahn’.

–You couldn’t come to terms with deaths of people who weren’t yourself. That’s why your Power of Death had always been unstable. Always.

The Power of Death granted immortality, the ability to not feel pain even when I got hurt. But, though faint, I did feel pain.

—Ashley, come to terms with your loss.

I narrowed my eyes.

“You want me to come to terms with the deaths of those I failed to protect? Why? That doesn’t mean they will come back to life.”

Ahn then shook her head at me. No. She was telling me to admit it. The fact that I couldn’t save a lot of people. There were some people who my hand could not reach.

Fleon.

I called out my dead brother’s name.

“I still won’t be able to save him even if I am to die now, right?”

–… Yes.

Tears that had been unable to fall till now then flowed down my cheeks.

“Why do I just keep losing? All I’ve gained keeps being taken away from me too. Why…”

The diary did not respond. She did not console me. Neither did she blame me. I wondered why she might look human but she didn’t look human.

“Once I have powers, will I become strong?”

I murmured with my face covered.

–Yes.

The diary responded clearly.

–You could have been stronger if you had lost Dane Lowell and Ray Aquita as well though.

“You quantify my losses. When I’m already having such a hard time just by losing Fleon.”

My tears slipped through my fingers. They fell to the ground with thuds.

“Alright. Better than nothing. Will I be awakening like this?”

Slowly, I removed my hands. I smiled with my tear-stricken face.

“Tell me. Will I no longer be afraid of being killed by Castor or fear that his sword will strike me?”

–Yes.

“Will I still be able to see the future?”

–Yes.

“I see. I can’t believe I’m getting powers when I look like this. Alright, I should give it a go.”

I muttered with determination.

The diary strolled over before lowering their back. She still had Ahn’s appearance.

–There is still one thing missing.

“One thing?”

–You do know that I am a fragment of Rusbella’s, the real ‘Ashley Rosé’, soul. Ashley.]

The diary whispered without any expression. And yet somehow, I couldn’t help but to feel worry from her face.

–If you awaken like this, you might get gobbled up by Rusbella when you meet her one day. Because I was there during your awakening.

I paused for a moment. I stared at the diary as if I had just heard something outlandish.

“Why… are you telling me that?”

The diary did not answer. She stared off to a far distance for a moment before returning her gaze again.

–What you need to remain yourself even after your awakening is your name.

“My name?”

–Names anchor existences in place. What is your name, Ashley?

“It’s just that, Ashley Rosé…”

I trailed off at the end of my sentence. Because the diary shook her head.

–Do you remember your real name?

Thud. My heart dropped.

I recalled the name of the animation character who had forgotten her name and could not find her way home. But now even TV was unfamiliar to me. So much time had passed that even modern culture was unfamiliar to me. I had forgotten. My previous life, my friends, my job and my name.

“I’ve forgotten so how can I remember it?”

Tears were falling as they clouded my vision.

“I can’t recall the faces of my beloved family and I can’t even remember what I used to look like! The place I used to live in is fading from my memories! So, how can I remember my name!”

This was unfair. As if I had been forced to lose them, once I found out, I realised that I had forgotten everything from some point on. And now she wanted me to remember? An unfamiliar world and an unfamiliar period of time. I had died persistently so as not to be an outsider here. She shouldn’t be doing this to me. She couldn’t.

–You haven’t forgotten.

The diary caressed my shoulders. She spoke clearly, emphasising every syllable.

–You, have never forgotten.

Slowly, she raised her head. With Ahn’s appearance. Her short, bobbed hair, dark eyebrows, small nose with a neither high or low nose bridge, burton lips and her plain quiet face.

“Is this who I am?”

Tears rolled down one of my cheeks.

“So it is.”

I lifted my hand to clasp one of the diary’s cheeks. I swept my hand down her neck before brushing my fingers against her eyebrows.

–Rusbella made it so that you would forget your name. But you haven’t forgotten.

“My name..”

–Divinity represents the origin and the desire of gods. It is a force of earnest desire. That is where your power stems from as well.

Slowly, the colour of her hair changed from its ends. White papers were being filled up one by one.

It looked like a flower in bloom. My memories were like buds blossoming into flowers. I was 27 years old, had an office job, went to a lot of bars but could not drink well.

I had a friend whose name was made up of only one syllable. I was married young and suffered a lot because of it.

I had been an only child, my mother disappeared from my life when I was young and I had a father.

My father then died of an illness. Which was why I hated the smell of hospitals. I pitied the patients there.

My life unfolded before me like a map. This was the life I had lived. My life had been so rich that each and every aspect of it was precious to me.

“Ahn.”

I mumbled slowly to myself. Within the card that fluttered above my clothes, I flashed a broad smile as if it passed.

“Ji-ahn.”

“JI-ahn, you and I both had miserable lives. Do I still have to go through with it?”

“Ha. Hahaha.”

I burst into laughter. The moment I felt bad for the life in which I died in vain, the moment realisation dawned upon me, I knew.

“If I accept this power, I wouldn’t be able to return, right?”

A helpless outsider was forced to make a choice after learning the truth. Would I return or stay here? But I didn’t even have a choice.

“Because I love it here.”

I no longer feel wronged. Even if I had been given a choice, I wouldn’t have gone back. I slowly uttered my name.

“Lee Ji-ahn.”

–Ahn, that’s a pretty name.

“You told me to call you ‘Ahn’.”

The memories of my previous life had dissolved into light like a fountain. The lights of my memories dispersed before turning into purple butterflies.

Before I realised it, I slowly smiled before looking at my long hair and long limbs.

Penne did say once. What did it feel like to awaken? Well, he thought it felt a lot like a flower blooming. Be it man or woman, buds that had been growing from the soil had finally bloomed.

My body felt heavy. It might have been because of the weight on my heart. But it felt like something had been released and spread across the world.

“So, this is divinity.”

This was a flower that bloomed atop sorrow. The tears from the tip of my chin dropped.

“I am a templar.”

I had become an adult.