Don’t Concern Yourself With That Book

“She doesn’t like you doing that. Jule.”

Castor interrupted our conversation. Julian widened his eyes. Though he might be wearing an incredulous expression right now, he was still a beautiful man.

“Brother, are you trying to get between me and this beautiful woman?”

Nodding his head as though he had discovered something, Julian eventually struck his palm with a fist. As though he finally understood.

“This must be love!”

‘What utter bullcrap.’

Whether it be the past or present, he was as flippant as ever. I took a step back before looking back at Julian coldly.

“Jule. What brings you here?”

“Ah. I just thought of dropping by on my way elsewhere.”

He then stole a glance towards Castor.

“His Majesty had called for me…”

Hesitating like a child who was about to get whipped. His puppy eyes only made the people around him more malleable.

But what I found more interesting was the fact that Castor’s expression seemed to momentarily soften as he stared at Julian.

“There’s no need to be cautious around me. Even passing soldiers are well aware of the relationship I have with His Majesty, the emperor.”

“But, brother, I…”

Castor patted Julian’s head.

“Just because His Majesty acts as such, doesn’t mean I don’t like you, Jule.”

Glancing towards me, I noticed his cheeks redden slightly.

“Hehe. I’m glad I dropped by. I managed to meet your lover.”

I was about to interject but as he clapped his hands together, Julian did not give me a chance to speak.

“Ah, Abel’s coming too! Abel! Abel!”

Feeling a gust of wind blowing around me, a man suddenly appeared before my eyes. He looked to be as young as Julian.

“What?”

Young Abel replied with his chubby face. Expecting something to happen, I glanced at Castor.

“The 3rd Prince… g-greets my eldest brother.”

Scratching his cheek, Abel lowered his head.

“At ease.”

At that moment, I realised I had been staring at Castor this whole time. As he stared at Abel, Castor’s gaze was as cold as ever.

However, when the gaze that soon turned towards Julian, it quickly changed to one that was filled with warmth and affection.

“Jule. I should get going now.”

Julian looke frustrated by Castor’s coldness. He glanced towards Castor once, then Abel and finally me. After looking around, Julian nodded. Castor patted Julian’s head once more.

“I shall come see you again. Come visit me.”

Following Castor’s footsteps, I sneaked a glance behind me. I found young Julian patting Abel on his back. Abel seemed to be sniffing while saying, “I already told you he doesn’t like me.”

I wasn’t meaning to follow Castor but it wouldn’t make sense for me to stay behind either. I merely followed him because of the atmosphere. After we were of a decent distance from Julian, I spoke.

“Are they your brothers?”

“Yes.”

“Then what’s with the discrimination?”

Castor’s eyes turned to face me.

“… I cannot embrace more than one person at a time.”

At my straightforward comment, he seemed to have slightly furrowed his brows.

“Are you saying that you only show affection to one person?”

“You could say that.”

Just then, I recalled his nanny saying how there were little things he could bring himself to love.

“You said they were both your younger brothers.”

Now, Castor was the one stopping in his tracks to face me.

“If I give my affection to countless other people, I will only have more to lose, won’t I? So, one is enough.”

For some reason, it felt like I noticed a faint fold on an otherwise flat piece of coloured paper.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

My opinion of him had yet to change. But I thought I was beginning to see it change. Instead of fixating on it, I shook my head.

“I have two older brothers as well but I never thought about them like you do. That’s why I pointed it out.”

Castor was much taller than me. I recalled him being bigger than me in the present so he must be bigger than me here too.

Castor brought me to his palace. I faced a familiar face in the room that looked more lavish than before.

“Oh my. It’s nice to see you again.”

It was Castor’s nanny. Far from being surprised to see my face after so long, she welcomed me as though I had been here just yesterday.

While she left to get us tea, I sat opposite Castor. We didn’t talk a word to each other but the clattering chain weighed on the atmosphere.

“You appeared very suddenly.”

I lifted my head as though I wanted to say something.

“So, when are you going to disappear this time?”

Blinking for a moment, I then smiled. This intelligent, calculating man seemed to have assumed quite a lot about me since our last short encounter.

“I plan on disappearing from here as soon as I can.”

His eyebrow twitched.

“Are you planning on not saying anything this time too?”

“I suppose I won’t.”

“Is it related to how you don’t look to have grown or changed since you left that day?”

“Who’s to say?”

As a young man now, he seemed to be more rational. And he has become more pleasing on the eyes. He was originally good looking and could have made anyone fall for him as long as he was of sound mind.

But his strengths did not lie in his appearance.

“Will you disappear like you did before again?”

That voice of his that could mesmerise anyone it wishes to.

“… You didn’t even tell me your name, you know?”

A gentle breeze blew.

“I’ve been wanting to ask. Why are you so interested in a passing stranger?”

I smirked before shaking the chain tied to our arms.

“Is it because of this?”

Castor twisted his expression even more.

“Can’t you please tell me?”

“Why?”

“… I would like to ask for forgiveness.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at his words.

“Forgiveness? For what wrong?”

“I do not remember but was that not what you said back then?”

Despite my scoff that sounded close to ridicule, Castor remained calm and rational. Right, he did use to be this cold and calculating.

I held my stomach before slowly straightening my back. Glancing at my laughing face, he flinched.

“Did you really believe me?”

“…..”

“When you first met me, you were just a little boy. What crime could you have possibly committed at the time? Even if you did do something wrong, it couldn’t have been that serious, right?”

Whatever he did to me was things that the current Castor did not remember. And I had no plans on telling him.

Wasn’t this just another passing timeline?

“I don’t think so.”

With his lowered head and shaking shoulders, a serious voice broke out of him.

“I will become emperor in the future.”

“So what?”

I slowly raised my head.

“If you tell me my sin, I will be sure not to repeat the same sin again. I’ll fix my mistakes. I shall become a wise emperor.”

I added.

“Unlike the current emperor?”

“… Yes. Unlike what the current emperor is doing now.”

From his gaze, I could tell he was rooted in his belief.

“I’m not saying that an emperor should be flawless. But could I not appease the injustice you must have felt?”

“…..”

I glanced towards the hand he stretched out to me. This was something I had never expected out of Castor.

Soon, the nanny arrived to bring us our tea before leaving.

“Thank you, nanny.”

Castor’s gaze as he watched her leave the room was filled with affection. It reminded me of how Dane and Fleon used to look at me a long time ago.

“Can you really bear the weight of your sins?”

I muttered as I stared blankly at the rising steam. I had spoken quietly but Castor seemed to have heard me just fine.

“Yes.”

My smile that reflected on the surface of the tea looked as cold as frost on a tree branch in winter.

“I promise.”

I pressed my lips together.

“You promise?”

A silly smile kept breaking out of me as though I had lost it. I slowly swept my hair up.

“Then could you die by my hands?”

At the behest of all the divinity I was mustering, my hair flew about wildly. Glancing towards the sky, the weather was clear today. Just like the day my maids and I had died.

“Speak.”

As I leave you alive, could you watch as I kill your nanny and your younger brother?

“Because that’s what I want.”

For the first time, I noticed Castor’s gaze falter. I knew. He must be confused. He must be wondering what I was talking about.

“Can you bear to listen?”

Nevertheless, I could not hold myself back from pouring this hatred onto the ignorant you. Because you were the one who orchestrated this situation as well.

Could I change the past?

The diary hadn’t offered a definite answer to my question but she did warn me that this was a trap.

But even so, it was tempting bait. What would happen to the future if Castor, this defenceless man sitting in front of me, were to disappear? Would he disappear from the present I knew as well?

“Look.”

I hesitated. I was first surprised by the tempting bait and now I was surprised again by how badly I wanted to reach out to grab it.

‘If Castor was to die now…’

If he died here, all my pain would go away. No longer would I have to hear the groans of those who had suffered because of him.

Then, wouldn’t everyone have a happy future? Right, I wouldn’t have to cry anymore from my loss.

I should change the future.

“You…”

As I grabbed his neck, Castor’s expression contorted.

Move. Move. I could easily break his neck if I applied more force. Having died numerous times before, I knew how weak the human body was.

“… Why are you crying?”

Castor wiped the tears off his cheek. Those tears were mine.

Nevertheless, my hands refused to move. I could kill without using much force.

But at the end of the day, I knew.

The man in front of me was innocent.

The difference between a young man and an adult. Yes, he knew nothing. Because he was now the same age as I was when I suffered countless losses because of him. At that time, I had merely dreamt of the future and drew its possibilities.

I hated him for knowing what love was and I hated myself for recognising the truth. If he knew everything, if he knew, how could he do all those things to me? Why? Why!

“I hate you…”

“…..”

“How did we meet again?”

The tears that could not stop flowing from my eyes because of this anger and fury for my inability to kill you.

I hated him.

I hated him for being alive.

But he wasn’t guilty.

Because he hadn’t killed me.

I could not ask the man in front of me to be guilty.

“I’m the only one who can understand you. Ashley.”

Gradually, I found myself understanding his pain. He did understand my loss and my pain. But I didn’t want to understand him. The moment I did, I would have become like him.

I would have become a monster.

Ultimately, I had no plans on understanding him and becoming a monster nor did I want to become a murderer like him and kill innocent people. There was only one way.

And that was to endure it.

Like how I used to. And continue to. Until I get out of this forsaken timeline.

But for how long could I endure now that the castle I had built was rusting?

I removed my hands from him slowly.

“Ha, hahaha…”

I took one then two steps away from Castor before taking another step towards him.

“Wait.”

Once Castor noticed what I was trying to do, he jumped up.

“W-wait!”

“I think I made a mistake. You’re not guilty.”

“Wait, stop. Don’t leave like this. I haven’t–”

I grabbed the chain before giving a faint smile.

“I got the wrong person.”

The shackles on my wrist crackled as I applied force. Then, the wound that had yet to heal tore apart before blood spurted out.

You were not him.

And I could not forgive him.

“I have no plans on killing innocent people. More so people who want to live.”