Don’t Concern Yourself With That Book

Feeling as though I had been driven to the edge of a cliff, something struck my chest.

“When you return, you will no longer be awakened. That means you will not be able to regress after you die.”

The god immediately pointed his finger.

“The moment you return, that will be taken from you.”

His finger was pointed straight at the diary.

“Will you return?”

Swaaa–

The whistling of the wind by my ears felt like a dream. Why did it feel cold? The cool air swept past the strands of my hair.

While the wind blew through my hair, I opened and closed my mouth several times before finally forcing myself to say.

“I… was told that I could not change the past. Even gods cannot change it…”

“And that is true.”

The god did not disagree. Instead, he continued speaking as per usual.

“But that doesn’t mean that there is absolutely no way to change it. Let’s just say that it’s similar to how you’re able to change the future by repeating your deaths.”

I had gone back in time through my diary. But I could only go back for short lengths of time every time I did–7 days to the past was the furthest I had ever travelled back in time.

“This is your first and last chance to return. After you return, you may choose to regret or not regret your decision.”

But I had the diary here.

“Even if you come across this moment again, you will not be given the same chance.”

So, what devil’s whisper was this? Even if I tried to remain calm as I furrowed my brows with a smirk on my face, the god’s expression remained the same without any noticeable twitches.

“If that’s the case… is it possible to not face Castor again?”

The god stared at me for a while before speaking slowly.

“I cannot say for certain but things will change if you manage to not meet Castor Dje Kaltanias even just once.”

The first time I encountered Castor was when I went to look for Amor after discovering the diary.

If I were to return without discovering the diary, there could be a way not to run into him on the 10th Day of the Month of Habermia.

There might be hurdles to overcome but so that I would never end up like this again, nothing would be too difficult. Other than actually dying.

“B-but Castor and Rusbella return to the moment they’re born every time they die…”

“This is not the same. You are merely returning to the moment before you awakened.”

The god stared back at me in surprise.

“As long as you don’t die, you will be able to live out the rest of your life comfortably without need to be bothered by the gods, divinity or regressions.”

Right. That wouldn’t be difficult at all. My hands were trembling. The walls surrounding this void were shaking.

“Is there no price to pay?”

“There is none.”

But this chance was given to me without any misfortune attached to it? If I was not going to regress, I would cherish myself more. A lot would change. For some reason, I had the baseless feeling that I might be able to avoid the numerous misfortunes that plagued me after obtaining the diary.

‘Rusbella would have taken the chance, wouldn’t she?’

SInce I knew everything that would happen. I didn’t think it would be easy to avoid Castor and Rusbella. Nevertheless, this opportunity smelled so sweet.

Perhaps this was the last ordeal and temptation I would have to suffer through.

I held my hands together tightly before staring at the god. I moistened my lips. My gaze must have been as desperate as a drifter looking for an oasis in the desert.

“Are there really no costs to pay? Really…?”

Unexpectedly, the god did not respond. Why? Just earlier, he affirmed that there was no price to pay.

“There will be some who were supposed to be born but were unable to because of you. There will be some who die, unable to overcome their trials and some will lose their dreams. All that will happen if you don’t make the same choices you did before.”

I hesitated. I immediately understood. My tongue that had been preparing to scream at him froze from its root.

“As long as you place your life before someone else’s, those are, undeniably, the consequences you would have to face.”

Despite sounding friendly, his words were colder than frost. Nevertheless, perhaps it was because he was a god, his words sounded reverent.

“Have you arrived at a decision?”

I smiled slightly.

I was definitely wavering. I wanted to instantly let out a scream. I wanted to end things once and for all.

“I decline.”

But not like this.

“I don’t want to live upon other’s sacrifices anymore.”

Because my life had blossomed atop the sacrifices of people’s blood, flesh and love for me.

“It’d be the same even if they were strangers.”

Even if I end up wetting my cheeks with my tears because of the regret, sorrow, resentment and despair for not choosing to accept.

I couldn’t choose to return knowing I would be trampling upon other’s sacrifices.

“And there’s no law stating that I would not be affecting those I do now know…”

Utter happiness could not be born from sacrifice? Also, how could I be certain that I would not still make foolish choices after I return?

Could I make everyone happy by voiding the sacrifices of those who loved me even after Fleon had told me not to insult his death?

No. I could not. For the sake of everyone’s happiness. I had eventually lost the people I wanted to be happy most.

This opportunity, that was being granted to me, was built upon sacrifices and would eventually eat me up from the inside. I knew myself well. Perhaps I was already broken and was avoiding making sacrifices to the point I must seem ignorant and paranoid.

“I have decided to prove myself through this timeline.”

Through everything we had accomplished thus far.

“That my choices were not wrong.”

The god watched my expression.

“I see.”

Then he nodded slowly. Unlike how friendly he was sounding. His purple eyes were strange and I could not ascertain from them whether he wished well for me.

“Then, how about I compensate you in some other way?”

The god revealed another path to me with his unwavering words.

“You are a soul of another world. I will send you back to the world you were in.”

This time, I firmly shook my head without hesitation.

“I am Ashley Rosé Kaltanias.”

The name I was given in the other world, Ji-Ahn, was also mine but I had already said my goodbyes to the people I held precious there in the fantasy Rusbella dropped me in a long time ago. I had decided to live here.

“Do you not miss it?”

“It’s been too long for me to miss it. I’m unable to leave this place anymore.”

I hesitated mid-sentence. Did the god just laugh? When I looked again, His lips that had looked as though they were turned upwards, had returned to normal.

“I see. Nothing seems to work as a reward for you. What about this?”

Again, a gust of wind blew.

“What do you wish for?”

Staring at his long black hair, I wondered why the same hair colour could incite such different feelings within me.

“… Why are you rewarding me?”

I suddenly asked. Rather than rewarding me for preventing destruction, I felt as though there was another reason behind his actions.

“You were destined to meet the same fate as Kaltanias but you changed your ending.”

As soon as he uttered the name ‘Kaltanias’, his expression had, to my surprise, softened.

“I am happy for you but I am also inexplicably saddened by it.”

Like a boat facing turbulent waves and tumultuous winds, the mournful gaze of the person who lost the existence most precious to him now felt more human than god.

“What do you wish for?”

But perhaps it was because he was still a god. In the blink of an eye, everything around us disappeared and once again, his eyes through which I could not read his thoughts, looked down at me.

“Wish…”

What did I want? I recalled the moment I looked into the empty cavity.

“Would you listen to anything I wished for?”

I probably looked as though I was forcing myself to not cry. Because I knew that my wish would never come true.

“I want the people I love to return back to me.”

Would Dane who was on the verge of death still be alive? What about Ray whom I was told was severely injured? What would happen to Hernan who was alive but I could never meet forever?

They had all met lonely ends in the west. Those who sacrificed themselves because of me and for me.

“I cannot grant that wish.”

Just as I expected, that was his reply. When I lowered my head, a chuckle burst out of me.

“I knew it.”

I looked up to see the god who continued to reveal nothing through his expressions.

“I knew the Almighty gods would do nothing for me.”

The eyes of the god, of which their purple flitted around as though they were dancing, looked like a myriad of purple.

“I arrived at this point all on my own.”

The god that finally appeared before me was noble. The light he emitted was as bright as an amethyst and very beautiful.

“I protected this world.”

As though I had no choice but to worship him, his solemn arrival was at the same time, as elegant as plum blossoms in winter. As though beauty had been embroidered into his skin. But that was it.

“This only proves that I have no need for you.”

I had given up my flesh. I had let them take my blood. This future was one I obtained by sacrificing myself. There was no place for him to intervene in any way.

“A reward? A wish?”

What had the gods done for this country?

“I have no need for them.”

Had I ever thought of running away before? There was a possibility that fleeing into the past might eventually lead to the same tragedy again.

All of his rewards for me were just forms of escapism. It no longer suited the me standing before him, the one stained with never-ending blood. I pulled up the corners of my lips.

“I realised something ever since you talked about the past.”

Was this the very god I had been searching for so much in the past? Did I cry just for this existence?

“Castor, you could not do anything, could you?”

How could he call himself a god if he could not save just one messed up human?

“Get lost.”

I felt more disappointment than anything with the gods. Because I had already given up all hope in this absolute existence a long time ago. That was how I got here in the first place.

“After destroying all misfortune and despair to get to the place I am in now, I decide where I want to be.”

Would the first emperor, who had regretted meeting the gods in the first place, have enjoyed this moment? The emperor that held the same fate as I did, was she watching? Now, I obtained a different ending. Because I refused the hands of god.

My fierce words that continued to drive the same point marked the end of our conversation. I thought the god would either accept my stance or be displeased with it.

“You won’t be accepting anything.”

His black hair shook like waves.

“Is that your answer?”

The god took my silence as an answer.

“By knowing your fate, I am aware of the misfortune you suffered through.”

I slowly lifted my head.

“So what?”

The one on their knees and the indifferent god. In this lonescape, there was no sense of worship or admiration for gods.

“Ashley Rosé Kaltanias, you were the only one who could travel up the river.”

The god paused for a moment before staring at me.

“If there was a way, I would do so. What about you?”

As I widened my eyes, I slowly grinned. I understood what he meant.

“Are you making a deal with me?”

I could not hear a shred of respect for the god in my voice when I spoke again.

“What can you give me?”

Of course, at his words, my smile only deepened.

‘Yes, this should be the way it is.’

After ignoring so many temptations, I was standing before him again. This felt more comfortable than the god’s questionable reward of returning me to the past.

“Anything.”

I had been thinking. From Fleon who had died not too long ago. Dane, Ray and Hernan. They were all victims of giving everything they had to me. Though they were the ones who insisted on making those choices.

So, why didn’t I give back to them now?

“I’ll give you anything.”

Would they condemn me for my choice? No, they would be saddened.

But were they even aware that a world without them would be even worse for me? So, this time, it was my turn.

“What do you want?”

He knew that I was not simply asking him for a wish. Staring into the eyes that were the same as mine but incomparably more noble, his thoughts seem to project like a mirror.

“I hope.”

He parted his lips instantly.

“For the ones I love to return.”

May my happiness be complete.

“Because my world is incomplete without even one of them.”