Crown of Thorns

I was leaning against the wall and looking inside the tower, but my eyes were not focused on that. They were plastered to the boy who was sitting there staring at me. The phantom-like boy opens his mouth and speaks to me.

“Okay.”

I closed my eyes. When I opened them again I was still confined inside the tower. The young warrior, who had been brightening the place, had already turned away. I followed after him all throughout his path filled with abuse from the guards, harsh words from the villagers, and thrown stones from the kids. When I watched him painfully drag his sagging body inside his shabby hut and fall asleep, I finally turned back.

What I just remembered a while ago was when the young warrior came to the witch’s tower and questioned me, after reading his future. He asked how he can save the world when he’s so weak? And I answered that I’d help him.

The young warrior experienced surprise, embarrassment, and disbelief all at the same time when I said I would teach him. It was a matter of course. It could not be believed that a witch who covered the world with darkness could help drive it out.

But the boy nodded. Rather, it was me who became more embarrassed. It was not an easy choice to make. How can he easily trust me and nod his head gently? He has no idea about how much harm I could inflict on him by sticking to his side.

I couldn’t believe it, so I asked him again if he was sure, but the boy just nodded his confirmation. And said.

“I want to be strong. If only I could get stronger, I’d nod my head even if it was a devil, not a witch. So I’m going to save the world. I’ll prove it’s not because of me. I’ll make them feel sorry.”

I felt suffocated and choked because I had a glimpse of the wounded boy’s mind. The boy’s will to sell his soul to the devil has been revealed. The boy was light, even without me. He was a warrior who would save the world one day without my help.

But humans were crushing that light. At one point, should he lose his will to live and give up being the light, then that’s it. So the young man in my memory closed his eyes so sadly. A boy who can walk around a witch’s forest and evade monsters cannot be killed with stones thrown by villagers. He was clearly ending his own life.

If I wasn’t cursed with an eternal life, it was clear that I would have done the same. I knew that I didn’t do it and that it was a curse that laid on me, but I didn’t run away from the warrior who came to end me. Because I thought I’d had enough. Because I didn’t want to live any longer.

Even the young warrior had to change everything before he could achieve that noble endeavor. And fortunately, the boy’s eyes shone when he heard his future that I foretold. He was excited by the hope that he might get strong. He was happy that he was a warrior who would save the world, and not a monster that caused this world to suffer.

I couldn’t help him achieve that now, but I was intent on helping him to my best ability, to groom him into the warrior who was going to become a hero saving the lands. I intended to be the boy’s shadow, make him shine brighter and keep him from being stepped on before the light inside him could even grow.

So I have to make my move.

I raised myself up. I still have no confidence to face the world, but I can’t just hide away like this. We have a lot of time, so we could slowly expand the scope little by little. I’ll have to endure even if it is painful and hard because I can finally see the end to this dragging existence of mine. I only have to hold on a little longer until the boy grows up to be a young man, until he saves the world and puts a knife in me. After all, what is a few years if not just a countable number of bell sounds?

I tried to calm my heart down and looked ahead beginning to concentrate on the darkness that lay around. Gradually the heavy darkness that enveloped my body, like a black mist, seeped out of me when I began to see around again, the scenery around me had changed.

The first thing I could see was a bed. White and soft blankets were neatly arranged on it. I have no recollection of me arranging them. They* were always considerate enough to do this every time unfailingly, even as I pushed them away and ignored them. I didn’t realize their kindness at the time. If I had known that I’d never experience it again, I’d have at least appreciated it more. Felt it more. Though the heartbreak would’ve stayed the same.

I managed to lead my trembling legs to the bed. When I reached out my hand and stroked it, it felt cold because no one lied down on it for a long time. The room was also chilly. But not a speck of dust was on it. As my time had frozen, so has the room. It was the same as the last time I saw it 「That day」.

Suddenly I realized that my hands, still buried in the white blanket, were very dirty. I examined both hands. They were black and dirty. Looking down at my feet, they were no different. Turning my head, I looked down at the floor where I walked, and the rug was smeared with my footsteps all over. Anger surged up. I made my precious things dirty.

I hurried into the bathroom. Wherever I went, it was natural that this would happen. I wasn’t going to wash up, but I couldn’t help it because I didn’t want everything I touched to get ruined.

This place had to remain the same as the day time stopped. I remembered having spared no energy to ensure that. I was too young to understand why I should do it, but I know it was so important that I couldn’t stop even when I was tired.

Soon warm water came out. I crouched in the bathtub, all dressed. I was thoroughly dirty all over. From head to toe, my clothes, my mind, everything was dirty. I crouched under the pouring water, hoping to get clean. Black water flowed down and went down the drain. I bit my lips looking at my figure. No. I can’t get so weak already. But my tears began to mingle with the pouring water.

I loved spraying warm water like this. It was always sprinkling. I filled up the tub with water and fell asleep in it. There was someone who woke me up whenever that happened. I still remember their voice, but there was no way for me to hear it again. No one would scold me for taking too long in the shower when I go out now. They left me a long time ago.

I was the only one lingering forever in a time that doesn’t flow just like this place.

If I had known in advance that there was such a terrible curse on me, I would have begged them to take me with them. I remember always pushing everything back in my younger days, thinking that I still had many days to live. No. shouldn’t have to do that. It’s a terribly long time for me. Why should I live through it alone? Rather than the pain of being killed several times, the sadness of not seeing my loved ones again was greater. I was afraid that if I fail to reunite with my loved ones beyond the veil soon, they’d get tired of waiting for me and eventually forget all about me.

That’s what everyone says when they let their loved ones go. I’ll catch up with you soon, so wait for me. I thought so, too. I thought the breakup was a short time. I was so sad and distressed to see them go but I was sure to see meet them again soon.

The curse imposed on me made that impossible. Is there a curse more terrible than this?

I’d rather have been taken instead.

Eventually, I buried my face in my knees and burst into tears. The warm tears passed through my frozen heart and left only melted ice in their wake. However, they could not wash away the faces of my loved ones. The suffocating longing did not fade away. Only the boy could put an end to my pain now. I had to get this pain to end somehow.

There was no one but the young warrior who could save the witch trapped in the past.

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* You can’t distinguish the gender in Korean speech so I used ‘they/them’ for now. Will come back to correct later when it becomes clear whom she means. But she probably means a family member.