I’m Really a Superstar

Grand Hall.

“Judges?”

“Alright, the finals is over.”

“Alright, the score has already been tallied.”

“I announce that this year’s champion for the Beijing Couplet Competition is…Teacher Zhang Ye!”

As the host finished announcing, the audience erupted into applause. There were even screams of praise; it was a very lively scene. Onstage, many of those participants, who had lost convincingly, stood up to applaud Zhang Ye. Some even gave him a thumbs up! There was no other way, Zhang Ye had garnered all the praises. This had been the strangest couplet competition in recent years. Why strange? Does it need to be explained? All the questions had been answered by Zhang Ye alone. That’s why Zhang Ye was the only winner. There was no 1st runner-up or 2nd runner-up. All the other 49 contestants had 0 points!

Doesn’t this deserve all the applause?

Doesn’t this deserve all the respect?

Only Big Thunder did not move; he did not applaud!

Zheng Anbang and the others from the Beijing Writers’ Association were not looking so good. None of them applauded Zhang Ye, but instead lowered their heads and did their own things. They were too petty!

When Zhang Ye saw this sight, he smiled coldly.

The female host smiled. “Let’s invite Teacher Zhang up onto the stage to receive the award.”

Zhang Ye stood up, went around the side and proceeded towards the stage. He smiled at both of the hosts.

At the side, Elder Qian and the other two judges also walked up. The trophy was prepared beforehand, but they had prepared three trophies to be brought up. Elder Qian held one in his hands; the other two were not of use anymore. Honestly, this was the first time that they had to present an award for such a dominating performance. One person had dominated and finished off all of his opponents. This was an unprecedented happening in all of the competition’s history.

“Teacher Little Zhang, congratulations.” Elder Qian handed him the trophy.

Zhang Ye accepted it and said, “Thank you for the affirmation of the Teacher judges.”

Elder Qian smiled. “It is not our affirmation. This is the glory of your victory. And I believe without me saying, this is a Couplet Competition where the victor is known without any suspense!”

The audience laughed. Yes, this was really was one without any suspense!

The female host said, “Teacher Zhang, say a sentence or two for your acceptance speech?”

“Well, are you sure you want me to say it?” Zhang Ye blinked his eyes.

The male host was surprised. What was there to be sure about? Doesn’t every winner of an award say an acceptance speech? Thanking friends, thanking leaders, thanking parents, stuff like that?

But the female host knew the meaning behind Zhang Ye’s words, “This…”

“Alright then, I’ll say something.” Zhang Ye turned to face everyone, and paused for a moment. He said, “I recall.. that someone said I cheated?”

Everybody laughed, treating it as a joke.

Only the people from the Beijing Writers’ Association had ugly expressions. They were thinking, “Aren’t you done? Why do you still mention the past? Why are you so petty?”

But in fact, Zhang Ye was a petty person. The more people did not want him to mention something, the more this fellow would mention it. “I want to know who reported me, and I want to ask the comrade from the Beijing Writers’ Association who came on stage a while ago saying I cheated. The judges and comrades from the Couplet Organization had not investigated, and had eventually allowed my participation, but why did you say it in such a certain fashion that I cheated?” He stared at the youth from the Writers’ Association offstage, “Shouldn’t you apologize to me? This is just the most basic respect, right?”

The youth stared at him with a darkened expression. F**k, apologize, me? Based on what!?

A woman from the Couplet Organization looked at him, “Little Wu, you should really apologize.”

“Apologize, Little Wu.” Yet another person from the Couplet Organization said. “This is a live broadcast. Everyone is watching. What you previously said onstage was indeed inappropriate. It was too arbitrary and it impacts Teacher Zhang’s reputation. It is only because Teacher Zhang Ye reversed the situation, proving that he did not cheat, that the outcome has not become disastrous. Just a few words of yours was enough to destroy a person!”

The youth named Wu did not move. He shut his eyes stubbornly.

Zhang Ye laughed, “Since it’s a Couplet Competition today, it’s alright if you don’t apologize. I’ll give you a couplet.”

Give a couplet?

Why are you giving a couplet now?

Everyone was stunned and was curious as to what Zhang Ye would say.

The next moment, Zhang Ye said, “Mice, old or young, we call them ‘old’ (老, lǎo).” Because they are all called mice (老鼠, lǎoshǔ)!

With the next verse, Zhang Ye smiled. “Turtles, male or female, they are surnamed Wu (乌)!” Because they are all called turtles (乌龟, wū guī, also used as a vulgarity, like bastard)!

The youth whose surname was Wu nearly vomited blood! Grand Uncle Zhang Ye! You are too f**king ruthless! He was so angry that he nearly cried out! His face was green! This is a live broadcast program! There were hundreds of thousands of people watching! He scolded him in public? The youth wanted to bury his own head somewhere! He had thought that if he had just refused to apologise, nothing could be done about it.

But he had forgotten that this person was not any ordinary person. This was that Zhang Ye who had publicly scolded his Leaders at the Silver Microphone Awards! Venomous person! Venomous mouth! His heart was the most venomous! At this moment, the youth really felt regretful. He was numb. If he had known, he would have gone forward to apologise!

The male host was stupefied, “Teacher Zhang!”

The female host, in turn, was not surprised at all. She knew of Zhang Ye’s misdeeds before, so she quickly gave him a nudge on his shoes with her feet and whispered, “Teacher, you……”

The audience was also stunned!

But Zhang Ye still had more to say, “This year, I was invited by the Beijing Writers’ Association to participate in this competition. To be able to win it, I would like to thank them, too. Thank you for always supporting me, Writers’ Association. I also have a couplet for you all.” After saying all that, he immediately said, “A bull’s head hopes to grow a pair of dragon’s horns.”

This sentence was quite usual; no one had a problem with it.

But Zhang Ye’s second verse nearly made everyone faint, “But have you ever seen elephant tusks growing out of a dog’s mouth (when have you seen a mean fellow speak of nice things)!”

The Beijing Writers’ Association’s Leader and members, “……….”

People from the Couplet Organization were covering their mouths and laughing; this was too interesting. The scolding was too wicked!

Of course, Zhang Ye wanted to scold. From the moment he participated, it could be seen that none of those from the Beijing Writers’ Association had pure intentions. They had made it difficult for him from the beginning, resorting to all sorts of tricks. If not for Zhang Ye’s wit, his reputation would have been wrecked. His career path would have been cut off. If the accusation of cheating was not proven otherwise, then he wouldn’t have been able to clear his name at all. Didn’t this justify his revenge? He naturally wanted to take back what was his!

Scolding others?

It’s not like I f**king never scolded!

So what if it was live? You are the people I’m cursing!

At this moment, the Beijing Writer’s Association’s Vice-President Meng Dongguo had come forth from the backstage. He had heard Zhang Ye publicly scolding their Writers’ Association. In his moment of rage, he didn’t care that this was a live broadcast anymore. He snatched a microphone and argued with Zhang Ye, “Zhang Ye, you are good at couplets, aren’t you? Then I will give you a question, too. Listen up! Two apes breaking branches deep in the forest; a little monkey dares to have seen it, too?” This was a homonymic first verse. ‘Seen it too’ was equivalent to matching a couplet; he was scolding Zhang Ye!

Zhang Ye was overjoyed. This first verse was also remembered when he was searching his memories. He immediately retorted, “Then you listen up, too! A horse steps into dirty mud; how can the old beast (bast**d) raise its hooves!” Raise its hooves was equivalent to giving a question!

“Alright!”

“So beautifully matched!”

“Hahahaha! I’m so amused!”

“Teacher Zhang Ye is a god!”

The audience could not help but laugh out loud!

Meng Dongguo, “….&%#@*) *&@@! ! !”

Vice-President Meng’s couplet-matching skill was not that deep, otherwise he would have taken part. He could not match Zhang Ye at it, which is why he lost the moment he attacked!

But Zhang Ye did not let him off, “Since you gave me a question, then I shall give you a question, too. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7!”

Eh?

What’s this question about?

There were rarely couplets that stopped at 7. If he wanted to give the first verse, shouldn’t it be 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8? Why did he forget about the 8?

Zhang Ye then looked at him, “Can’t match it? Then let me give you the second verse. Xiào tì zhōng xìn lǐ yì lián (filial piety, respect, loyalty, trust courtesy, uprightness, honesty)!”

That was not right!

The second verse was not correct either!

Xiào tì zhōng xìn lǐ yì lián (filial piety, respect, loyalty, trust courtesy, uprightness, honesty)? What about shame? Why is shame not in there?

But who can be a fool for long? A few contestants thought for a moment and quickly analyzed the metaphor of this couplet, “The first verse had forgotten about 8? The second verse lacked a shame? This is…. forgetting 8 lacking shame (bast**d with no shame)? F**k!”

Bast**d?

No shame?

Meng Dongguo nearly exploded with anger! Zhang! You are scolding people now?

The male host, nervous with sweat, hurriedly tried to talk them out of an argument, “Our two Teachers, the two of you, say less, say less. The cameras are still….” This is what you called literary people! Their scolding didn’t even have any vulgarities in them!

Meng Dongguo didn’t care anymore. He said directly to Zhang Ye, “In such a setting, you publicly scolded the Beijing Writers’ Association, insulted our Writers’ Association’s staff, insulted the people who invited you? Well, well, now I can put it clearly here: a person like you, even if you are a talent, our Beijing Writers’ Association will never have you!”

Isn’t this the pot calling the kettle black?

And you act like everything about you was correct?

When you wanted to step on me, you just stepped! When I fought back? All of you began using reasoning to press me down? Just because you are the authoritative body? So that makes you reasonable? What the heck!

Zhang Ye was extremely bemused, holding the microphone, looking at all those angry and speechless Beijing Writers’ Association’s members. He said his last words, a doggerel. Its origins were from a famous crosstalker in his previous world – Guo Degang. Guo Degang’s doggerels were considered one of a kind, with them being highly controversial. The one that he used to scold the Beijing Radio Station’s Leader had especially attracted all sorts of criticisms from industry insiders. But today, Zhang Ye had selected another one of Teacher Guo’s doggerels. It was written by Guo Degang after he was uninvited by the New Year’s Gala organizers. It had a very special feel and was also very meaningful.

“Madness and ailing grass, difficulty in discerning. The plum blossoms seemed trimmed, coldness outside the walls. The icy sky is like jade, the silver branches seemed buried as dust. Pushing the blanket into the snow, open your eyes and stop acting nice, returning after traveling the Jiang province, with the poem done and alcohol drunk, the world seems small.”

Up to here, many had not understood it.

What poem was this? Was it a doggerel?

Zhang Ye even knew doggerels? This was really the first time they had heard about it!

But after hearing the final part of Zhang Ye’s poem, they finally understood and laughed out loud, “Embracing beauty, lamenting how life is all about fame and fortune.” At this point, Zhang Ye narrowed his eyes and looked towards Meng Dongguo and the people from the Writers’ Association. “Open your drunken eyes slightly. No matter how you succeed or fail…” With a laugh, “It’s not like I’ll come!”

It’s not like I’ll come?

They said that they were not going to invite him into the association! And he came up with such a doggerel?

Hahaha! What a good “it’s not like I’ll come”! A lot of the audience members were tickled by this!