I’m Really a Superstar

Translator: Legge Editor: Legge

The netizens\' comments:

"Hahaha!"

"Zhang Ye sang so poorly!"

"He\'s only good enough not to go off-pitch!"

"But it\'s still very funny!"

"Another song please!"

"Right, please sing another song!"

"It\'s so rare to hear Zhang Ye sing!"

The crosstalk routine on Central TV\'s Spring Festival Gala was too difficult to stomach as many of those fans of crosstalk and language routines could not get excited about it. You could even say that they were deeply disappointed by it, and while they had also seen the other Spring Festival Galas\' crosstalk routines, they were still dissatisfied and felt the other routines were pretty boring. However, this particular crosstalk routine by Zhang Ye had in fact fired everyone up again. They could feel a shiver go down their spines after listening to it!

Coupled with the festive atmosphere, everyone was feeling good!

...

At home.

His third sister asked with surprise, "Our brother knows how to sing too?"

His second sister was lying on the sofa, laughing so hard she couldn\'t sit up. "Aiyo…hahaha, our brother…how funny!"

His mother laughed. "How can he know how to sing? All he does is hum a few tunes at home."

His father said, "It\'s enough if he can sing a couple lines. It\'s not like he\'s a professional singer anyway, so he doesn\'t need to sing well."

...

At the venue of Beijing Television\'s Spring Festival Gala, the show was still broadcasting!

Yao Jiancai remarked, "No wonder you went to do crosstalk after that. With your talent, you were still thinking about becoming a singer?"

Zhang Ye was having none of that. "Hey, what\'s wrong with my singing?"

Yao Jiancai asked, "What else can you sing?"

Zhang Ye boasted, "As long as it\'s a song about family ties, I can sing it!"

Yao Jiancai belittled, "Oh, save it. The children came home from far away for the new year but you didn\'t even open the door. What family ties are you talking about!"

The audience laughed.

"Hahaha!"

"Old Yao\'s holding the conversation really well!"

"He\'s truly deserving of being his longtime crosstalk partner. Their understanding of each other is so good!"

"It\'s so funny I could die! The classic \'Coming Home\' has been totally ruined by the two of you just like that!"

Zhang Ye immediately said, "Then why don\'t I sing another for everyone!"

Yao Jiancai asked, "Which song?"

Zhang Ye thought about it for a while before replying, "How about Grandma Song Hui\'s \'Old Times\'?" He turned to the audience and said, "As you did before, please close your eyes and listen. Close your eyes and feel it—ah, Song Hui lives ag—"

Yao Jiancai hurriedly stopped him. "She\'s not dead! This one isn\'t dead either!"

The audience were tearing up from laughing!

"Hahahaha!"

"Aiyo, goddammit, hahaha!"

"Do his remarks have to be so caustic!"

Zhang Ye stared with his eyes wide. "Ah? Not dead yet?"

Yao Jiancai said nervously, "Geez, you\'ve cursed two people in such a short span of time!"

The audience laughed, "Hahahahaha!"

Zhang Ye said helplessly, "Alright then, I\'ll just start singing."

Yao Jiancai said, "Wait, wait. I\'m gonna stop you there. If I remember correctly, \'Old Times\' isn\'t a song about family ties."

Zhang Ye looked at him like he was an idiot. "What do you mean it\'s not?"

"Is it?"

"This is a song for a grandpa."

Yao Jiancai said dumbfounded, "Grandpa? Where did you get that from!"

"Well, listen carefully." Zhang Ye sang, "Like the river flows, the ages go…"

Yao Jiancai nodded. "Yes, those are the lyrics of that song."

Zhang Ye continued singing, "Time flies, and I think of you, Grandpa (yéyé)…" Then he said, "See, \'I think of you, yéyé.\' She\'s thinking of her grandpa (yéyé)! So isn\'t this song about family?"

Yao Jiancai nearly fainted. He said, "What do you mean \'I think of you, yéyé\'? She sings \'I think of you every night\' (yèyè)! The dark of night\'s night!"

"Pfft, hahaha!"

"I think of you, yéyé?"

"Why don\'t you sing about thinking of your grandma instead!"

"Aiyo, I really take my hat off to Zhang Ye!"

Zhang Ye said embarrassed, "Is that so? Then I must have remembered it wrong. Let me try another. This song by Hong Hua is called \'Time.\' Everyone, please close your eyes and listen. Hong Hua—"

Yao Jiancai immediately said, "That singer is still alive too!"

Zhang Ye glanced at him. "I know."

Yao Jiancai replied, "I was afraid you\'d kill off another one."

The audience laughed, "Hahahahaha!"

Zhang Ye signaled with his hand. "Music…." He waited for a while. "Never mind!"

Yao Jiancai commented, "You just want to say that, don\'t you?"

Zhang Ye stated, "Before I start singing, I have to say something first. I especially dislike Hong Hua and will definitely criticize him the next time I see him. This song was written for his grandma, but he actually cursed at people in the song!"

Yao Jiancai was stunned. "Curse at people? When did he curse at anyone?"

The audience was also stunned.

"Just listen." Zhang Ye sang loudly, "I suddenly think of childhood. The cane of your! Grand! Ma!" He enunciated the words "your grandma" very strongly!

Yao Jiancai was speechless.

Zhang Ye immediately said, "See, he cursed! What did he mean by your grandma! It\'s normal for one to use canes when they get old, why did he have to curse!"

The audience chortled.

"Hahahahaha!"

"Aiyo, I can\'t take it anymore!"

"Teacher Zhang, stop it, please stop it already! Hahahaha!"

Yao Jiancai said in a speechless manner, "Eh, I think it\'s only you who could hear it that way and say that it\'s cursing!"

Executive Director Chang Xiaoliang was tickled pink!

Hu Fei, Dafei, Hou Ge, Xiao Lu, and the others Zhang Ye worked with when he was at Beijing Television all laughed until their sides hurt!

Zhang Ye was puzzled. "What\'s the matter?"

Yao Jiancai waved his hands. "Nothing, but I think it\'s better for you to sing something else instead! Please don\'t ruin other people\'s classics anymore!"

Zhang Ye said, "Go ahead and request something. I\'ll sing whatever you ask for!"

Yao Jiancai asked, "You\'ve been singing about children, grandpas, and grandmas, but do you have anything that is sung to parents?"

Zhang Ye said at once, "But of course! Then let me sing a song about parents! This is an original composition!"

Yao Jiancai laughed. "Then I doubt it will be any good."

An original composition?

The audience\'s emotions had been stirred up to the highest point. They were wondering at this moment what kind of a gag Zhang Ye could still pull off. A ruckus gradually started!

"Show us what you got!"

"Hahahaha!"

"Let\'s see how he\'s going to screw up this next song!"

"Aiyo, he\'s really good at making jokes!"

"My mind is blown after listening to Zhang Ye sing! Ahaha!"

The viewers in front of their televisions were also laughing happily as they waited to see what gags Zhang Ye would pull out next!

Standing in front of the microphone, Zhang Ye took a deep breath.

One second…

Two seconds…

Three seconds…

Zhang Ye held the microphone as he started singing in his not-so-perfect acapella voice, "To my dear Mom and Dad."

When the audience heard that, they began to heckle!

"Oh!"

"Oh!"

"Haha, oh!"

Everyone started answering him.

Zhang Ye sang, "How are you two?"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

Everyone was joining in to answer him!

The audience was laughing, feeling like they had finally managed to take advantage of Zhang Ye!

Zhang Ye sang, "Have you been busy working?"

"Busy!"

"Busy!"

"Busy!"

Zhang Ye sang, "Are you healthy?"

"Yes!"

"Yes!"

"Yes!"

All of a sudden, a clear guitar melody filled the entire venue.

The audience was startled and suddenly fell silent, not knowing what was going on.

Yao Jiancai also became solemn.

Zhang Ye held the microphone and slowly closed his eyes, quietly singing.

"I\'m in Beijing, it\'s pretty good.

"Mom and Dad, don\'t you worry for me.

"Though I\'m bad at expressin\' things.

"In truth, I\'m…missing home."

At this moment, Zhang Ye\'s voice sounded from the stage as a recorded narration played.

In reality, I\'m not doing so good in Beijing.

I don\'t have many friends.

And very few people like me.

A lot of the audience members were shocked. This melody and narration caught them by surprise, making them unable to react. Some of them had unwittingly started to tear up.

At home.

His first aunt said in a startled manner, "This…"

His grandma\'s tears were also building up.

His father and mother both stared at the television dumbfounded, unable to move.

Zhang Ye opened his eyes and stared right into the camera that was broadcasting the scene live. He kept singing.

"Does my dad go to work every day?

"Please don\'t go if they aren\'t too strict.

"With a lifetime of revolution work,

"He deserves a good rest too."

His father\'s lips were trembling.

Zhang Ye continued singing.

"I bought a new coat for you, Mom.

"Don’t be afraid to put it on.

"Your son used to be real headstrong.

"But now he’s wise."

Zhang Ye smiled. "And all grown up."

When his mother heard this, she could only watch her son on television as she started crying uncontrollably. "Little Ye has always been like this, taking on everything by himself! No matter what trouble he gets into, he will keep a smile on his face! He doesn\'t want to tell us and make us worried! Always assuring us that he is fine! No matter what we ask him, he\'ll assure us that everything is fine!"

His second aunt also wiped her tears away and said, "That kid has always been this way since childhood."

From the television, the narration sounded again.

Dad, Mom, I\'m truly fine.

I\'m…pretty good.

Look, I got on the Spring Festival Gala, haha. I didn\'t disgrace you two, right?

Many eyes turned wet at the venue.

Several of those who had come to Beijing to work and hadn\'t seen their parents for several years broke down in tears.

Chang Xiaoliang\'s eyes turned red.

Xiao Lu was crying.

Hou Ge and Dafei were also crying.

Only this group of old colleagues knew that Zhang Ye hadn\'t had it easy for the past few years! And how much he had suffered!

Zhang Ye sang.

"Mom and Dad, please take good care of yourselves.

"Don\'t make your son worry about you.

"This Spring Festival, I’m sure to come home.

"OK.

"That\'s all for now."

Narration:

Mom, Dad.

Everything is great for me.

As long as you\'re both safe and sound, everything is great for me, really.

The guitar was still playing softly.

Zhang Ye continued to sing even louder now.

"Kindest regards.

"Always and forever.

"Kindest regards.

"Always and forever."

Many people were crying!

No one had expected Zhang Ye\'s crosstalk, which was filled with so many gags and jokes, to have such a twist at the end. It was a shot straight to the heart!

So this was "Everything is Great"!

Everyone finally understood the meaning of this crosstalk title!

The song finished.

The melody ended.

Zhang Ye and Yao Jiancai bowed deeply.

Yao Jiancai could see that Zhang Ye was also looking rather emotional, so he lightly patted Zhang Ye on the back.

Suddenly, many of those in the live audience stood up!

Whether it was Central TV or any of the provincial stations, as long as it was a Spring Festival Gala live broadcast, the audience was not allowed to stand in such large groups as it would affect the camera shots and create confusion. This instruction had been given to the audience in the admission notice and also reiterated to them clearly.

But everyone still rose from their seats!

Ten people!

A hundred people!

Two hundred people!

Every one of them was clapping for Zhang Ye!

Some were even crying as they clapped with all their might!

It was wonderful!

Well said, well sung, wonderful!

This is a real crosstalk!

This is what you bloody call a crosstalk!!!