I’m Really a Superstar

Translator: Legge Editor: Legge

On this day.

Early in the morning.

After several days had passed, calm returned to the entertainment industry. There was no news that could be talked about forever. Even an incident of celebrities taking part in a gang fight would blow over after some time. Other things were always happening that would catch the attention of the media and citizens as they moved on to whatever was more interesting. This was what the entertainment industry was all about.

After the news had quieted.

It was peaceful once more online.

However, it was not as quiet in Zhang Ye\'s house. More accurately, Zhang Ye\'s mother had been so excited in the past two days she couldn\'t calm down at all.

His mother kept pacing around the house and would often bring something up out of the blue. Recently, her behavior had been incomprehensible. "Old Zhang, are there any beauty salons nearby?"

His father asked, "Why?"

His mother said, "I want to get a makeover and some beauty care, of course. When the day comes for our son to get married, I don\'t want to look old and haggard. It wouldn\'t look good at all, so I have to start preparing now."

His father said, "You look good just the way you are."

Zhang Ye had already gotten out of bed. He said annoyed, "Mom, you\'ve been fussing over this for two days already."

"But I\'m really excited!" His mother still couldn\'t shake off the excitement she was experiencing. "I have to say, an important executive like Little Wu taking a fancy to you, you must really be blessed, you lucky fool. By the way, what time does she get off work today? Would she like to come over for dinner? Try to ask her over again. You really have to work on solidifying your relationship with her so that she won\'t slip away from you, understand? Little Wu is so beautiful and gentle. She\'s willing to cook for you and is an important executive as well. You mustn\'t let her get away!"

His father rolled his eyes. "You\'ve invited her to our place eight times over the past few days, so can\'t you give her a break for a day or two? You ask her to come over for lunch and dinner every day; do you really think she has nothing better to do? Aren\'t you being too enthusiastic? You might just end up causing issues if you scare Little Wu away."

His mother stared at him. "I\'m just happy to have Little Wu around. What can you do about it!"

Ever since Zhang Ye brought Old Wu home, his mother had felt really happy about everything. She was obviously overjoyed and approved of her prospective daughter-in-law.

"This won\'t do! I have to make a call!"

"To who, Mom?"

"To the neighbors."

"Aiya, didn\'t I tell you to keep it a secret?"

"Then I\'ll give your grandma a call."

"Just don\'t say anything, alright? If you do, everyone will find out."

"Then just let them find out."

"Old Wu has a special status and I\'m from the entertainment circle, so let\'s wait until we\'re married before announcing it."

So his mother continued to pace around the house. Every now and then, she would look at her phone or sit down and stomp her feet. "Aiyo, keeping this a secret is killing me!"

Zhang Ye and his father gave each other a look and laughed helplessly. His mother had no other fault other than being a loudmouth and braggart. Now that she was not allowed to speak about his relationship, she had a horrible time trying to hide it.

Then, Zhang Ye\'s cell phone rang.

Media College was calling.

Su Hongyan said: "Little Zhang, have you left your house yet?"

Zhang Ye said: "I\'ll be leaving soon."

"Don\'t forget about today\'s lesson. We\'re all waiting for you."

"Don\'t worry, Teacher Su, I won\'t forget." Zhang Ye hung up and told his parents, "Mom, keep keeping it secret. Dad, I\'m off to give a lesson at school."

…

Later that morning.

Media College.

There was still an hour to go, but the lecture hall was already packed to the brim. A distance away, a lot of people were still making their way over here in a hurry!

"Fuck, the class is full?"

"Look at the time."

"What\'d you expect? Don\'t forget that Zhang Ye will be giving this lesson!"

"And I thought that I got here early. There aren\'t any seats left."

"Just find a random spot. I\'ll attend this class even if I have to stand!"

"Yeah, we can\'t miss out on our alum giving a lesson!"

"Fangzi, over here! I\'ve reserved a seat for you!"

"Ah, Qiqi, you\'re great! I love you so much!"

"Just buy me a meal after this! Fucking hell, I\'ve been here since 6 AM to get these seats for us!"

"Damn! You really gave it your all!"

Strictly speaking, it was still not the official start of the school semester. The freshmen were still going through orientation and would only complete it by this afternoon, so the quickest that they could start their lessons proper would be tomorrow. However, the school had specially arranged for Zhang Ye to give this class a talk as they had a deeper intent. Looking at this turnout, other than the freshmen students, even the sophomore and junior broadcasting majors were trying to squeeze into the lecture hall for the class. Further, there were also many students from other departments who came to take part in the ruckus.

This was where Zhang Ye stood out from the other teachers.

He was extremely popular.

He had huge appeal.

And everyone liked him very much.

Outside, Zhang Ye arrived and was humming a little ditty.

Su Hongyan, who had spotted him from a distance away, said with a smile, "Feeling good?"

Zhang Ye said happily, "Haha! Good morning, Teacher Su."

Now that Old Wu had officially been introduced to his parents and having gained their approval of her, their wedding was imminent. So how could he not be happy? He was bursting with joy.

The dean of the Broadcasting Department smiled and said, "Professor Zhang, you have an important mission on your hands today."

Zhang Ye nodded. "I understand."

The dean said, "I suppose it isn\'t necessary for me to mention how important the freshmen\'s first class is. The school made many considerations before handing this class to you, so we\'re sure that you would be up to the task. Basically, this is just going to be an initiation class, so there\'s no need to cover any professional knowledge or topics like that. You just need to help usher the freshmen into university life and spark their interest in our Broadcasting Department, so it would be great if the lesson is a little more fun. You don\'t have to give a long talk or speech since students these days have a different way of thinking. They no longer fall for the traditional methods."

Zhang Ye said, "Alright."

The dean patted him. "Then I\'ll leave this to you."

Su Hongyan reminded Zhang Ye, "Hur hur, do well, we\'ll be listening to your lecture as well."

Zhang Ye said, "Whoa, that\'s a lot of pressure on me."

One of the department\'s associate professors laughed. "Motivation comes from pressure."

After chatting for a bit and getting to know many of the other teachers and professors of the Broadcasting Department, Zhang Ye looked at his watch before striding into the lecture hall.

The dean smiled and said, "Come, let\'s go in and listen together."

Su Hongyan and the others proceeded in behind him.

Many sets of eyes were now focused on the lectern!

"Alum!"

"Teacher Zhang!"

"Professor Zhang!"

"Wow, he\'s so handsome!"

"I couldn\'t see him clearly at the Welcoming Ceremony because I was sitting too far away. I can finally have a closer look this time!"

"Who says that Teacher Zhang is only average looking? I think he\'s handsome!"

"Right! But more importantly, he\'s got a really good stage presence!"

Applause thundered!

Many of the freshmen were screaming!

Zhang Ye stood on the podium calmly and adjusted the microphone. Then he smiled. "Hello, everyone. I\'m your teacher for your first class of the semester and my name is Zhang Ye."

Applause sounded again!

Zhang Ye smiled and said, "First of all, I would like to congratulate all of you for standing out amongst so many candidates in the National College Entrance Exam and getting accepted into the top department for broadcasting in the country. I would also like to thank everyone here for choosing to come here, for choosing to attend Media College. Around eight years ago, I was sitting here like all of you right now, watching as my teacher gave me my first lesson in university. I could never have expected that, eight years later, I would have the honor of standing here and doing the same." He spread his hands. "In fact, I did not prepare any lecture material for today. I don\'t have any notes with me, as you can all see. For this first lesson, I just hope to have a good talk with all of you. So there\'s no need to address me as \'Teacher Zhang\' or \'Professor Zhang.\' Just call me \'Alum\' or \'Old Zhang;\' I\'m fine with either of those."

All of the freshmen laughed.

"Sure, Old Zhang!"

"Hahaha!"

Zhang Ye looked below and said, "I would first like to ask a question. Why did you all choose to enter the broadcasting major?"

Immediately, countless hands shot up.

Zhang Ye pointed at a girl. "You there, tell me."

The girl stood up excitedly. "Alum, I chose to study broadcasting because of you. My dream is to become an outstanding host like you in the future!"

Zhang Ye laughed and said, "Your answer doesn\'t sound like you mean it. I think that even if someone else were standing here, you would say the same thing."

Everyone laughed!

The girl was tickled as well!

Zhang Ye picked another person.

A male freshman stood up. "The reason why I chose to study broadcasting is that I like the profession. I think it\'s really cool."

Zhang Ye asked a few more people and all of them had similar answers. They just liked it.

Zhang Ye asked again, "Then what do you guys think is the most important aspect required for one to do well in the field of broadcasting?"

"Adaptability?"

"I think it\'s being a good talker!"

"Good looks?"

"Wit has to be the most important thing!"

The answers they gave were slightly more varied this time.

Zhang Ye looked over them. "Every one of you gave different answers to that question, but my opinion is rather different from yours. I feel that the most important aspect in broadcasting is something that all of you have neglected to mention, language. Not just any foreign language, but our very own Chinese language!"

The students in the audience were taken aback!

The Chinese language?

Mandarin? But who wouldn\'t have a grasp of that?

Su Hongyan looked at the stage curiously.

Zhang Ye smile and pointed into the crowd. "I can see doubt on many of your faces. Everyone here knows how to speak, and by that, I mean that they know how to speak in Mandarin, of course. Otherwise, you wouldn\'t have passed the Media College Entrance Exam and be sitting here right now. My guess is that all of you are thinking about how to improve your English and pass the CET-4 1 so that you can all graduate from university. That must be the most important thing on everyone\'s minds, right?"

Quite a few people nodded.

Zhang Ye said, "Actually, I\'ve never been in favor of English being taught as a core subject, and disagree even more about how we have to gain a Band-4 accreditation to be able to graduate from university. As a broadcasting professional, this is simply a penny wise, pound foolish mindset. It is downright misleading!"

The audience burst into an uproar!

Misleading?

Only Zhang Ye would dare to make that claim!

Su Hongyan gave a wry smile. "Dean."

The dean smiled and said, "I knew that he wouldn\'t give the lesson by the books. It\'s fine, let\'s hear what he has to say first."

Zhang Ye added, "Of course, I\'m not simply saying this because my English is bad."

Everyone laughed again!

Zhang Ye explained calmly, "Chinese culture is extremely deep, and all knowledge of it is contained within our language. Starting from today, all of you will be introduced to a series of subjects like vocal lessons, speed reading, extemporaneous speeches, and literature and cultural classes. All of them are based on the Chinese language, yet this most important and basic language has been neglected by everyone. Instead, the English language started getting pushed onto the teaching agenda. In overseas markets, only their homegrown hosts would be competent enough to host their own shows. Likewise, only a Chinese host would be able to do well for our shows in China. Why is that? It\'s all down to language itself! In the career of broadcasting, language is the divisive point and also the greatest limitation that one can encounter! Even if we were to learn English great, we still couldn\'t speak it better than native speakers. By the same logic, even if foreigners learned Mandarin well and work in broadcasting in China, they couldn\'t match up to us! Language is the greatest competitive edge for a host, but look at what we\'re doing. Rather than valuing the Chinese language, we\'re placing more emphasis on the English language and minority languages? And use CET-4 and CET-6 to determine whether the students can graduate or not? What\'s the meaning of this?"

Quite a few freshmen fell into thought.

Zhang Ye asked, "Have you ever seen any overseas broadcasting majors who are required to reach a certain proficiency in the Chinese language? Have you ever come across any international students who aren\'t allowed to graduate just because they hadn\'t reached a certain level in Mandarin? None, right?"

Everyone started shaking their heads.

Of course not!

Why would they have to be tested in Mandarin!

Zhang Ye smiled and said, "If they\'re required to be tested on their proficiency of the Chinese language, then I\'ll be the first to fight for the right to be the question setter. Let me make it difficult for them. If I can write the HSK-4 2 and HSK-6 questions for them, I guarantee that no matter how proficient they are, they won\'t be able to graduate. Do you guys believe me?"

The freshmen laughed to kingdom come!

"I don\'t believe you!"

"What kinds of questions will you write?"

"Yeah, tell us!"

"HSK-4 and HSK-6?"

"If foreigners can learn it well, it wouldn\'t be difficult."

"Yeah, I\'ve even come across foreigners who have great Chinese."

Zhang Ye said, "So no one believes me?"

Everyone cried out, "No, we don\'t believe it!"

Zhang Ye said with a smile, "Then let me give you guys a few questions to listen to, and let you think about how profound and deep the Chinese language is."

The freshmen were suddenly anticipating it!

The broadcasting major sophomores and juniors who sneaked in also pricked up their ears. They really did not believe that Zhang Ye would be able to make up questions that would befuddle all foreigners!

Zhang Ye said, "The following are HSK-4 test questions. Please listen to the first one."

With a straight face, Zhang Ye said, "A bird shat on the windowsill. Xiaoming\'s teacher called to him, \'Xiaoming, go clean the bird poop off.\'" Taking a pause, he then mimicked a voice of someone surprised and said, "Xiaoming said, \'Off I go!\'"

It fell silent!

The entire lecture hall fell silent!

Su Hongyan: "…"

The dean: "…"

The entire group of freshmen: "…"

Zhang Ye asked in seriousness, "The question is, did Xiaoming do any cleaning or just go off?"

Instantly, the entire audience laughed!

"Hahahaha!"

"Off I go?"

"Fuck that \'off I go\'!"

"I\'ll go off on your off I go!"

"Aiyo, I\'m dying of laughter!"

Zhang Ye immediately followed up with, "Now for the second question. As the floor was very dirty, the teacher told Xiaoming, \'Xiaoming, scrub the floor clean!\'" Pausing, he then widened his eyes and said, "Xiaoming said, \'Scrub that!\'"

Su Hongyan burst into laughter!

The dean nearly spat out a glob of saliva!

Zhang Ye said, "The question is, did Xiaoming scrub the floor or not?"

The students were all rolling on the floor laughing!

"Hahahaha!"

"Your sister, what kinds of questions are these!"

"These kinds of questions would never be understood by foreigners!"

"Aiyo, I can\'t take this anymore!"

"Scrub that!"

Some of them were laughing so hard that tears rolled down their cheeks!

Zhang Ye calmly continued, "Please listen to the third question. Xiaohong asked Xiaoming, \'Do we have to bring pens for today\'s class?\' Xiaoming said—" Zhang Ye mimicked, "—\' Dip pens 3 [Depends]!\'" He looked over the audience and asked, "The question is, do they need to bring pens for today\'s class? If they do, what kind of pen do they need to bring?"

"Hahaha!"

"Dip pens!"

"These questions are way too tricky!"

The people in the audience were in stitches. Many of them were cheering and applauding!

Zhang Ye surveyed the crowd and said, "That was only a HSK-4 test question. Now let\'s listen to a HSK-6 question. This will be a listening multiple choice question."

Everyone was listening with rapt attention.

Zhang Ye said, "Xiaofang said 4 , \'Your sister! Yo momma\'s Aunt Flo has yet to visit this month. Dis big sis is so worried! This is cheating the Allfather!\'"

"Hahaha!"

"Hahahahaha!"

Zhang Ye asked, "The question is, who in this passage would be panicking the most?"

Panicking?

If one\'s Aunt Flo did not arrive, who would be panicking the most?

Pfft! Does that mean she\'s pregnant?

Everyone laughed loudly again!

Zhang Ye put up a finger. "A: Xiaofang\'s little sister."

"Pfft!"

"Hahaha!"

Zhang Ye said, "B: Xiaofang\'s mother."

"Aiyo!"

"I\'m tearing up from laughing!"

"C: Xiaofang\'s big sister."

"Haha!"

"D: Xiaofang\'s father."

"I\'m laughing my ass off!"

"Yes, her father must be panicking the most!"

"E: Xiaofang\'s Aunt Flo."

"Hahahaha!"

"Hahahahaha!"

Zhang Ye: "F: Xiaofang herself."

"Hahahaha!"

Zhang Ye blinked and said, "And the last option, Xiaofang\'s boyfriend…Xiaoming!"

When they heard the last option, many of the freshmen and seniors instantly clutched their stomachs as they let out great big laughs. They were finally convinced. If the HSK questions were written by Zhang Ye, all the foreigners taking it would definitely die. These sorts of questions were simply too wicked. Other than the Chinese, who else could understand them!

Applause erupted!

Everyone was clapping with all their might!

Zhang Ye smiled and said to everyone, "See? Isn\'t the Chinese language extremely profound and deep?"

Everyone nodded their heads furiously!

"Right!"

"It\'s so extremely deep!"

"I laughed myself dizzy!"

"Why are you so funny, Teacher Zhang!"

"Aiyo, let me keep laughing!"

Zhang Ye said, "Instead of focusing and placing importance on a language that has brought together several thousand years of Chinese history, we have switched our emphasis to something else. That in itself is already a reckless waste. A host depends on their mouth, which is just a channel to bring across a language. In the following four years of your university life, please make sure you put in the effort to learn Mandarin well, because it\'s the most important skill that you can have as a host, and a skill that dictates where you stand in the industry!" Then, he looked at his watch before smiling and saying, "Alright, that\'s all for today\'s lesson. Class is dismissed."

He turned around and stepped off the podium.

All of the students immediately gave an unending standing ovation!

Su Hongyan chuckled, then stood up as well to clap!

The dean and the other professors of the Broadcasting Department did the same!

How wonderful!

It was truly wonderful!

This initiation lecture was really one of a kind. Whether it was from a professional standpoint or the suitability and interest of the subject, all was impeccable. Although the dean felt that there were some controversial points in there, everyone had their own views on things. They could still find common ground in the lesson, but more importantly, the students\' interest was piqued right from the start of the lecture until the very end. There was no point during the lecture where anyone\'s concentration had lapsed. This was what made the lesson even more impressive!

Having Zhang Ye come and give the first lesson was indeed the correct decision!

From the expressions on the students\' faces, it looked like they were looking more and more forward to the official start of their classes. All of them seemed to have a very positive attitude in welcoming the start of the new semester!

After the class ended.

The students walked off in groups.

"That was so cool!"

"Yeah, so this is what it means to attend university."

"Everyone says that all the classes in college are so boring and dry, but it doesn\'t seem like it!"

"I think so too. That was such a wonderful lesson that I don\'t understand why the upperclassmen would want to skip their classes."

Nearby, when some of the sophomores and juniors heard this, they couldn\'t help but smile wryly. Just you guys wait until school has officially started. Then you\'ll see the reality. In all of Media College, only Zhang Ye would dare and be able to lecture this way! None of the other teachers are like this at all!

1. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/College_English_Test

2. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hanyu_Shuiping_Kaoshi

3. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dip_pen

4. Illeism - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Illeism