Don’t Concern Yourself With That Book

No. I wasn’t you.

“I couldn’t endure it any longer. With you here, I was supposed to disappear but I used what remaining power I had left to stay while you grew up. There couldn’t be two ‘Ashley Rosés’ in the world so I played the part of the female lead you’re so familiar with.”

The space pulled away like the tide. The pitch-black darkness took its place as it flowed in like tears just as the life of the terribly unfortunate woman faded away.

“… This is my last life. And I decided to cooperate with Castor. Because if you are truly me, then your life should end the same.”

The black space surrounding the two of us finally disappeared before I found us standing in the middle of a quiet hallway. No, her eyes were still ablaze with envy.

“I will now watch you lose everything and suffer.”

Tick tock, tick tock. The pendulum of the aged clock swung. As my heart thumped. I knew that this was not the time for me to be sentimental. I could barely open my trembling mouth.

“Then-then, what about Amor’s medicine?”

“Ah, that?”

Rusbella mumbled as if she was pondering in thought.

“That’s real. Even I’m unable to concoct a fake nectar.”

“Ah…”

“Because I can’t let you give up after losing everything.”

She cackled as if she found the whole thing funny. She looked nothing like the kind female lead I was familiar with.

“You needed to have some hope to struggle.”

Curling her eyes, she whispered.

“You searched for me in the clock tower, didn’t you? We both met at the clock tower just before you came.”

As soon as I looked into her eyes, a scene unfolded before my eyes. A dark and narrow space. A man and woman could be seen atop the clock tower.

“Are your preparations for war going well?”

“I’d rather call it preparations for destruction. Yes, without a hiccup.”

Deep into the night. The man who was melting into the night deepened the smile on his face as he watched the shouts of the distant crowds.

“I miss Ashley.”

The smile was steeped in madness.

“The sight of her not losing herself even after dying. I desire it.”

As soon as Castor looked towards me, the vision disappeared. Once we made eye contact, Castor had turned into Rusbella. Those golden eyes. I couldn’t hold it any longer and grabbed her.

“… Didn’t Castor seriously love you?”

Rusbella shook off my hand.

“Can that man ever love anyone?”

‘Even if he did love someone, it couldn’t be me.’ Rusbella murmured to herself.

“Madmen can’t tell the difference between love and obsession. Ashley.”

I recognised the gaze in her eyes. My words boiled up my throat.

“You… look like Castor.”

“Yes. Crazy people tend to look like each other.”

Rusbella gently wrapped her hand around my cheek. She then whispered softly.

“You’re not crazy but you are strange.”

Her whisper, as if whatever she was telling me was a secret, barged into my ears.

“There’s something you’ve been mistaken about me. The kind Rusbella you’re familiar with doesn’t exist. There was once, I had memories of loving someone but they’ve become meaningless as time itself.”

Her voice was as scathing and monotonous as a snake’s.

“Do you want me to tell you about the future?”

“Zip it.”

Despite me seething, Rusbella didn’t stop.

“Even if you try, you won’t be able to save the 6th Prince. And soon, you will lose the 7th Prince and your knight consecutively before finally losing your beloved 4th Prince. I can see it.”

“… No.”

“I thought it wouldn’t be possible too before I actually lost them.”

“No!”

Just then, a purple energy rose from the diary before striking Rusbella with a force that made it look enraged. Just as I expected, the energy dissolved into a cluster of golden orbs of light but it was enough to throw her off. As she watched me glowering, she lowered her head. She then deadpanned softly.

“Well, whatever. I was going to stop here.”

A stormy gale began to rise. At some point, the torrential wind tore through everything in this hallway. Clang. Unable to resist the weight of the blustering winds, a teacup shattered as the tapestries shook vigorously.

“Damn it. Whatever Castor said before is true.”

She spoke jubilantly.

“I didn’t do anything.”

At the end of her sentence, my hair, thoughts and feelings. Everything froze. I couldn’t help but to think of that man when I stared into those eyes that looked like pure melted gold. Rusbella slowly took her eyes off me as she left me alone. She mumbled as if not caring if I was able to hear her.

“What could that man be thinking? I’ve met him hundreds of times before but I still have no clue.”

A bright beam of light rose from under her feet. Before I realised it, I noticed a white stone in her hand. It looked just like the Artefact of the Winds that Abel had passed me. The moment Rusbella touched one of the jewels, it lost its colour.

“See you at the ‘war’. Ashley.”

A huge sigil formed underneath her feet, it was similar to the size of the one drawn at the academy–the one countless templars had come together to form. Rusbella stood atop the symbol before smiling elegantly as if to show off her powers.

Swa–

When I opened my eyes again, everything disappeared while only the white stone was left.

What seemed to be forever passed.

Since the moment she disappeared, I had been sitting still. As the wind blew towards me, I continued staring at the ground. Had that much time passed? When I gradually came to my senses, I clenched my pale fists tightly. My fingers shook uncontrollably.

I wanted to scream at this nonsense. I wanted to blame someone. But I couldn’t find anyone to blame. No one in this world was on my side. The gods that people depended on and gave their hope for planned on destroying their land; And this book and its female lead, my only hope, had become my greatest enemies.

What should I follow now? What should I look at? What should I aim for? How long was I supposed to wander aimlessly like a lost child?

Collapse. I sat in the middle of a field of grass. I couldn’t tell from what moment I started walking. The quiet garden was still as it enveloped me in silence.

Drip.

Drip. Drip drop. I could feel something wet on my hands. I raised my head slowly. I didn’t notice a dark cloud covering the moon. All I could see was the dark sky. In the blink of an eye, despair fell upon me like the humidity. The drops of water that had been falling on my cheek one by one gradually increased before pouring out of my eyes.

Swa– It was raining really hard. I stared idly as the droplets fell.

“Why…”

What was I thinking back then?

“… Why?”

Questions I could not ask anyone else arose. The memories of my past, my past misfortunes, the abyss I had been thrown into and all the things I had endured till now poured out of me instantly. Like a beast never losing its opportunity for a hunt, misfortune clung onto my skin as the rain tried to wash it away.

“… What should I do now?”

A voice choke-filled with tears broke out of me. How long had I struggled to find my way? This wandering child had once again lost her way and I wanted to know whether she would be lost forever.

“Tell me. Tell me something”

I hurriedly grabbed the diary before asking it. This strange yet mysterious diary that remained dry under this pouring rain faced me. I opened the diary to the first page. I noticed something new on the table of contents I was planning on skipping. Perhaps it had always been there but had always missed it.

[Don’t concern yourself with that book.] (1)

I knew this was a warning from the diary. But it came too late.

“Ah… Ah…”

I covered my face with my palm. A bawl I could not suppress burst out of me. This mournful cry, which I had not been able to let out for the longest time, soaked in the rain as it tore out of me with length and sorrow. Hoping that my cries could be buried by this rain.

Did I cry for too long? The rain was starting to subside. I was already sitting there dazed long before the rain started dying down. Perhaps it was because I never had that many tears to begin with, I didn’t cry for long. It was almost as if I couldn’t cry.

Looking up at the sky, I noticed the edges of the clouds tinged with the pale moonlight. Slowly, with my lifted hand, I brushed my wet hair back. I tilted my head before smirking.

“Heh, hehe.”

Was I mad? Should I go mad? If I were to go mad like Castor, I would have thought destruction was alright. But unfortunately, I never reached that tipping point.

“Castor.”

The man who ruined my life.

“How far did you plan this?”

Had he planned for Rusbella and I to meet before I was to hear the whole truth from her? I supposed so. Castor, the one who possessed the same powers as I did. The man who had gone mad so long ago.

“Rusbella and Castor. You and the rest of the main characters have turned into my enemies. Right?”

It had been a fate that had twisted the wrong way from the beginning.

“Yeah. If you all were really that mad.”

But now, it didn’t matter to me when that beginning was. My fate was already ruined and they would only continue to undermine it.

“I will now watch you lose everything and suffer.”

There were people who wouldn’t hesitate to turn evil.

“Who’s the same as who?”

But they weren’t born evil. They used to be normal. The man who chose to be cursed with his sins to gain great power. However, the victim of greed turned into the perpetrator, creating another victim.

“Rusbella, I’m not you…”

The world labelled you evil. One who lost their way. Was it justified for a victim to kill or hurt other people? No.

“You try to lower me to your level but I’m not like you.”

I mumbled in the empty garden. It occurred to me that there was a possibility that someone was listening. It didn’t matter if there was.

“… I’m not mad.”

With a clear gaze, I looked forward and made a promise.

“Not now and not ever. I’m not mad.”

You could never ruin me. I protected you all even while you had shattered into pieces. Even if you were the one who had brought the insignificant me here to become someone great, it would never go your way. There was something you still failed to understand till the end.

“Heh. Did you think I was going to give in just because of this?”

The novel never existed. This world was my reality. Everyone wasn’t just characters but they were actual living people. Everything. Did they think I was going to despair over that mere fact? No, I was going to be even happier, even sadder and struggle even more. To show them everything I could.

Yes, even after I had fallen into the abyss, they had kicked me over and over again but I wasn’t going to collapse here. My thighs had gotten stronger after withstanding despair. If I didn’t have my legs, I was going to crawl out of here with my arms.

The despair you had put me through made me who I was today.

“Those idiots.”

Water dripped from the ends of my wet hair. I smiled.

“My life is mine.”

I was happy to accept the invitation Rusbella sent. There was no way I would back down. As I stared at the dawn sky in the distance, I realised that there was not much time left till the end.

T/N:

[1]: lel in this case the book referred to the original novel but!! I wanted to use the title hehe